Is This a Calling or a Desire?

Hello again! Today, I want to do more than just write a blog. Today, I’m going to share my heart with you. I’m normally not this vulnerable, especially knowing that there may be people reading this who don’t know me very well, but I feel like this needs to be talked about.

The Heart of Worship

When I was 12-13, my mom used to make my sister and I go to youth group. I particularly did not enjoy it because I was excluded a lot. I was not cool enough to hang out with the other kids. So normally, I would sit in the back. If I was lucky, maybe I would have a friend to sit with who didn’t care about my popularity status. As much as I hated going, the one thing I did look forward to was the worship. I loved listening to music that didn’t sound like a cheesy Christian song. Some of the first worship songs I ever heard that truly spoke to me were by a youth group band all the way on the other side of the world, Hillsong United. I fell in love with their music. I loved the sound and their lyrics always resonated with me. It was real. It was authentic. Their music was a big reason why I picked up a guitar in the first place. They taught me how to worship. They taught me what to sing about and why we sing about God’s goodness and faithfulness.

I’m not like normal people when it comes to music. Music speaks to me. I get excited about lyrics. Often times, I feel like people don’t relate to me when I get excited about a chorus or a bridge that is sung in worship. And I don’t expect everyone I meet to relate to me in that way. But what I do want people to know is that I was born to be a worship leader. This is my calling. This is what I was designed to do.

Fastforward To Now

Here I am, 24 years old with a family, preparing to move across the earth to a foreign country. Leaving everything we know and love, so that I can go to Hillsong College to study worship. Some people think we are crazy. Some people think I am selfish. Some people think I am only doing this because I want an adventure because I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom anymore.

Let me put all of those assumptions to a screeching halt.

I am doing this because it is a desire God placed in my heart when I was 16 years old. A desire (if it is of God) is a calling. Yes there are also times that we are called to do something that we don’t want to do. I know about those callings all too well, and I have learned the hard way because I have given God the wrong answer during those moments. But that’s another story for another time.

I am doing this because it is the only way my heart, my spirit, feels truly free. If you weren’t living your life to your fullest potential and capacity, wouldn’t you feel defeated? John 10:10 says that Jesus came so that we may have life and live it to the fullest! If it wasn’t for Jesus, I wouldn’t even have this amazing opportunity set before me!

I am doing this because I feel like I truly belong at Hillsong College. People have tried to talk me into going to a local bible school or a school of worship within the United States. To me, that is playing it safe. That is not living in the dream that God has given me. That’s like if I want to go to Italy, but my parents took me to Epcot instead. It just isn’t the same. Hillsong College has always been the dream and the destination. I have a longing to be there. Not just to be at a worship school, but to be THERE. At Hillsong Church.

And lastly,

I am called to be there. I want to reiterate this. Yes it is a desire. But it is so much more than that. When I think about embarking on this journey, all I think about is when Jesus said to James and John, “Follow me”. It says in scripture that they IMMEDAITLY left their nets and followed him. Not only did they leave their nets behind, but they left their friends and family. They left everything they knew and loved, to follow Jesus. I’d like to think that the parents of James and John knew that this Jesus of Nazereth was the messiah. I’d like to think that they knew James and John were in good hands because they were now in the hands of the Savior, devoting this season of their life to The Lord. I feel like my family and I can relate to that. We are leaving everything behind, not just for me to go to a worship school, but to answer the calling that God placed over my life. And as for my husband, I am so astounded at his faith and devotion to Jesus and to me. Before our wedding ceremony, we read our own vows to each other. I will never forget one of the promises he made to me. He said, “I will honor your dreams.” Every time I think about that line, it gives me goosebumps. To have a husband who is willing to go with me to the ends of the earth is more than I could have ever asked for in a husband. I am so grateful.

So in conclusion, I say all of the above because I know some of you out there don’t support us, or trust us, or even believe us. And that’s ok. We don’t want you to trust us. We want you to trust God. C.S. Lewis once said, “God is never safe, but He is always GOOD.” Trust that God is going to be our guide, not us guiding ourselves. Trust that God has a specific plan for our family unit.  Trust that even in the midst of chaos and destruction, He is always good. Thanks for reading.

Love you guys,